Pouring Out

Frustration penetrated my thoughts today as I brushed past harried metro riders shifting their Steven King novels, shoving through crowds of hungry, droopy eyed government workers as the dank metro snaked underneath my city. My mind kept casting back to memories laced with remorse over words left unsaid or caustic ones that slipped through. I tossed over ways I’ve fallen short. Where I’ll never measure up.

When each new day often feels like a repeat of each day before, I feel tempted to scream and run and (not impulsively of course) book a flight to Seattle. I’d find something way more exciting to do in Seattle.

Like walk around in the rain and drink coffee. Make tons of new friends. Pretend to be Meg Ryan and say hello to some man I barely know as I almost get hit by a truck in the middle of the road. Somewhere in Seattle. Maybe I’d even buy a boat. Then stroll around the docks each morning, taking in the peaceful calm of the morning, the beauty of the sun peaking above the horizon while dazzling pinks and purples swirl in a cotton candy sky. I’ll sink into my beach chair somewhere along the shore, blissfully contented the rest of my life.

Because my problems definitely wouldn’t follow me there.

Today I read a story about a woman named Hannah. She poured her heart out before the Lord. Every time she went up to be with the Lord, a woman kept insulting her, reminding her of all she didn’t have. This woman had huge dreams. Hopes and desires that year after year went unmet and unfilled. As I read it, I wondered at the pain she felt, and at the loneliness, as she watched a woman who walked beside her each day with all the children she longed for, how the knife twisted in her chest daily at the constant reminder of all she might never have.

But what I love about Hannah is she doesn’t ever give up praying and seeking the Lord about her pain. She doesn’t just offer a few prayers, she pours out her heart.

Hannah was frustrated. She dealt with frustration every day. Yet she surrendered her frustration to the Lord. God became the most precious treasure to her. Nothing else mattered, not even her reputation as she cried out wordlessly and the priest assumed she was drinking.

I love this about her. She just was so reckless. She refused to despair, she wept but she believed. She hurt but she hoped. Through all of the unknowns, she sought the Lord.

I know this seems so simple. And maybe it’s something you’ve heard so many times and you want to just scream because every day really is the same and nothing is changing and your heart can’t take any more of the ache. I won’t say I get it, because I don’t. Every pain is different. Every heartache settles differently. I can’t even begin to process the heartache some people face each day and I’m humbled at how I complain over trivial things when some are suffering and fighting to survive each day.

Hannah knew the secret through the pain though and I hope you cling to that today. There is hope here in your suffering and that hope is found in Christ. I keep finding that no matter what outlet I choose to try to find release from my frustration, He is the only one that really renews and restores.

He will give you hope and renew your soul. Maybe we all just need to be brave enough like Hannah. Maybe God is bringing you to this point of suffering because, like me, you’ve gotten so busy in your life and this was the only way He could slow you down enough. Maybe you realize here….that He is enough. That in the pouring and weeping and surrendering….and believing, you can truly find hope again.

1 Samuel 1:10-11  “She was deeply distressed and prayed to the Lord and wept bitterly. And she vowed a vow and said, ‘O Lord of hosts, if you will indeed look on the affliction of your servant and remember me and not forget your servant, but will give your servant a son, then I will give him to the Lord all the days of his life, and no razor shall touch his head.'” v. 15 “But Hannah answered, ‘No, my lord, I am a woman troubled in spirit. I have drunk neither wine nor strong drink but I have been pouring out my soul before the Lord.” ❤

 

Aimee

 

 

 

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This Light

There are always moments in our lives when we want to believe that there is something more than what we are experiencing.

We fiercely cling to hope in the darkness.

When the words people say and the events of our lives take twists we weren’t prepared for. And we wish we could go back to training wheel, barbie doll days, when life was simple. When a sandcastle tumbling over in high tide was the severest suffering.

When we never knew what it meant to be unloved or misunderstood or alone. Because there was always someone who would meet us at the end of the day and tell us we were going to be alright.

There are moments though when we look back and realize that we can’t even step back into those simple moments.

That sometimes hearts shatter and it’s our fault and all we can do is gape back at the past and mourn what we wish we could change. Regret tattoos itself on our hearts and we cringe as we glance over it.

I have regrets. I have pain. And I have a Savior who rescued me from all of this. Yet, I often go throughout my day stuck on my regrets. Or I push them out with my tenuous self reliance. A stubborn, self-destructive resolve to navigate my life independently.

I want to be able to make it to the end of my life praising God that He’s brought me through and changed my heart and made me NEW and REAL and bold for Him. I want to shine His light in the darkness of this world. It’s eaten at me and at the hopes and the dreams of so many. But we can’t look at it all in despair.

We can’t avoid the news. We can’t turn our heads away from the pain and the heartache. We can’t refuse compassion without refusing to really live and love.

To love we must feel the shattering devastating pain that comes from someone telling you that they’re sick or that they’re moving or that they’re breaking up with you. Because we loved. We risked something that was worth risking. We risked hurting and breaking apart.

I’m not sure if I understand this completely yet. Not like I want to. But my hope for you is that you don’t stop walking forward with faith. I hope that if you don’t know Jesus as your Savior that you come to Him. Because He saved me from my sin and from the evil that enslaved me and He can save you too. And if you know Him I hope that you realize that you are very loved and that loving is worth risking because Jesus risked everything for you. For me.

And being a light in a dark world can look ridiculous sometimes. It’s even painful. And devastating. But sometimes we have to reach a point. A breaking point where we are completely empty of our own strength or saving power.

Even when no one wants to forgive you, Jesus does. Even when nobody sees your suffering, Jesus sees. He came into this world to bring light to the darkness.

So that you no longer had to live in darkness, but could become sons and daughters of God.

XOXO

Aimee

P.S. I want to share a verse before I’m done and I hope that this resonates with you somehow. You are not defined by your past or by your sin.

Ephesians 5:8

For at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light. ❤

Lift Up

Today finds me sinking against my couch in running shorts, matching pink shirt and mismatched socks. (Am I the only one who loses every matching pair of socks to the washing machine?) I’m exhausted already from this relatively shorter week at work. Mostly it’s mental. And the added stress from navigating the metro. While I’m learning to enjoy my work, I’m also realizing that as an adult there are responsibilities in my life that I can’t exactly escape from.

Like paying bills. And mustering up the energy at the end of the day to buy groceries. Like doing laundry when you feel like reading a book and falling asleep. As the chores mount, stress builds accompanied by all the worry that I try to avoid. It’s insane how worry eats at you. It becomes powerful if you let it. Terrifyingly so. I hope you don’t though.

A few nights ago, I realized just how powerful my worries had become and that was only because I had allowed them to rule over me. I surrendered them to Jesus and felt the weight lift. He always lifts our burdens when we ask Him. I’m so thankful to have a Lord and Savior who loves me and calls me by name and who also cares enough about me to take the burden of my worries and set me free.

When regrets and doubt and fears rush in, Jesus is right there to help you. Just surrender everything to Him and He will bring you through.

Today He reminded me that yes there is suffering, and He grows us through it and it’s so hard as we push through with Him. Yet, His arms are full of grace. Each day is a reflection of His mercy. There might be wars raging and diseases striking and as sin seeps through our lives and breaks apart our world we ache from the depth of our souls, wondering if this is all there is.

Eternity is something I can barely comprehend. But today as I prayed and struggled through the whys of my season, I remembered truth. Hope is found in God’s arms, in God’s presence. But it’s something we need to learn to expect in and believe in and find real vibrant, sustaining joy in. The Lord sustains when we feel like the pressure is too much and there are too many things we must deal with and it all just feels like a mountain about to crush us.

He is the one who empowers us to have joy again. Even in the place we lost it. Or maybe our souls were just lost until He found us.

Wherever you find yourself tonight, please know that Jesus loves you and lifts up your head and gives you hope and joy. Even in this broken world. Despite every worry or fear crowding in, despite every regret and lost dream and broken relationship, who are you to believe that God still doesn’t have a plan for your life? And why can’t He use you? And why are you so afraid to let go of your unbelief and truly believe that He could do just about anything He wanted?

Including deliver you from sin. And rescuing you from the pain and suffering and heartache of this old world.

Believe that He restores your hopes and dreams and will bless you again. He will. He is truly for you and on your side.

Lift up your head, friend and run to Jesus.

😉

Pursuing Perfect

Sometimes our hearts don’t make any sense. Or our emotions. Sometimes we look into a mirror and don’t recognize ourselves. I’ve totally done that. Or we’ve seen just how perfect we look on the outside, but underneath all of that we’re a mess.

Perfection isn’t bad in and of itself. Jesus Christ was the perfect sacrifice and He gave the world hope and new life.
But perfection gets twisted when it becomes our sole pursuit.

And it’s been mine so often.

I don’t want to pursue perfection more than Jesus. I hope you don’t either.

So I think we need to stop and just surrender. Seriously live in surrender. When we withhold things from God that’s when our souls crawl into dark places. Where fear clenches. And despair crowds. And the only feeling left is an empty desperation.

So if you’re struggling with anything, or if you’ve kept anything from God, release it to Him. If you’re hiding or afraid and ashamed, please know Jesus loves you.

And please never believe that your life has become so dark that Christ can’t save you. He can. He pursues you.

Perfection is so empty and living for others is such a defeated way of living. And focusing on anything without letting Jesus take the center stage is just meaningless.

I’ve been so stuck on how I’ve failed in relationships but that doesn’t mean I’m a failure or that I’ve failed at life. I am victorious and you can be too. When Jesus came to die, he came to set captives free.

And that means He came to set you free too.

 

Xoxo Aimee

A Suffering Love

Love, nailed to a tree, His broken body bled out for me.

His heart broken, His heart surrendered, He bore my sin – the evil enslaving me.

Hands outstretched, searing pain as soldiers hammer nails into hands that washed feet and opened blind eyes and welcomed children and draw me in even now.

Love risked – with no regrets.

Love gave – freely.

Love suffered – humbly.

For His enemies, for the ones nailing Him in humiliation.

Mouth silent in the face of His accusers.

And I – I could’ve stood there and said He was innocent. I am guilty. Not Him, take me.

He was blameless. He is.

I am the criminal deserving of a cross. I am the one led astray by my own deceitful heart.

But Love still came and bled out for me.

And rose.

He rose again. Love broke apart my sin and gave freedom -gave life – to me.

 

Only Jesus

There were moments when Chloe overthought every moment like a movie critic and then moments when she wanted to scream and block all the memories out.

Her heart pounded as she walked into the sanctuary.

You’d think that church would be a safe place, but it really wasn’t. Not today.

Why did hope feel untouchable? Why did her heart feel like it was caving in and like everything she’d worked so hard for was all crumbling at her feet? Why did she feel like pulling back and pulling out of everything He had called her to?

Her breath caught as she watched him out of the corner of her eye.

And the anxiety mounted. But where was her trust? And why on earth did she allow him to be more powerful than God in her life?

Or maybe the infatuation and attention – the idea of someone had become godlike. Dangerously so.

But the emptiness and silence permeated every moment. There was something awfully stinging about rejection. It wasn’t just the knowledge that that person had moved on and was somehow wonderfully whole and contented. That all of their dreams had been realized in the aftermath of another shredded heart. No, that wasn’t the worst of it. The worst part was the paralyzing fear of ever being able to give her heart out again. Without expecting it to getting pitched back in her face.

But she would give it out again. And hurt and break apart. Because wasn’t that real living? Wasn’t that what Jesus had called her to? Real love broke and shattered and waited for the only One to build it up again. Maybe her own idea of a perfect life was intended all along to be broken so that someone else could build it more wisely. Like how God gave Nehemiah strength and resources to rebuild Israel. To wake them up and remind them to quit living in the ashes of their broken places, but to build. And maybe this season was all about building too. Building and working and moving.

Not a striving and achieving but a surrendering and moving toward the cross. Letting him restore and repair the broken.

Why had she chosen a life of fear? Was fear her god? Or Christ?

She had worn doubt and cynicism like a badge of honor and she was ready to throw it on the ground in repentance. To turn around. Abandon her will. Give it all up to Him. Regardless of the criticism. Of the stinging loneliness that penetrated her soul. That stuck it’s talons deep into every aching wound of the past. You’re still that insecure, broken, failure of a girl. It would hiss. And it would be right. Except when Chloe remembered the Cross…

I will never leave you nor forsake you.

Jesus came unlike a man would come. Jesus came to deliver, redeem, identify, draw in, and save. And wasn’t that everything she’d ever longed for? And she had tasted His love. But somehow in the mess of her life and of her brokenhearted quest for perfection she’d rejected this foundational truth and reality.

Bring me back. Break me down. Take me back. Restore. Save. You are my Savior. The only one who can heal my busted, broken heart.

Only Jesus can rebuild what’s broken. Chloe clung to this truth. It didn’t matter what she would face, only that she would face it with Him. He knew the way. His plan surpassed the clichés and the doubts and the seemingly irreparable.

Seek First

Scenarios play out in my head of what I should be. What I should do with my life. What is the next step, the next goal?

I’m grasping to be satisfied, but all I feel is this rush of fear as it engulfs me. And I wonder, what has led all of us to this?

What are we all seeking and why are we all in such a mad rush to get there?

That’s what I’m thinking as I floor the accelerator, merging into traffic along a main highway in NOVA on my morning commute to work.

Aren’t we all just trying to keep our heads above water? Paddling and swimming and nearly suffocating under the weight of the pressure and responsibility, pain and suffering inherent in this old world? We stress over broken relationships. Financial pressure. Tenuous health, difficult coworkers, and this ever-present desire for more that we just can’t ever fill. We’re overcome with the awful desperate feeling of averageness as we examine our lives up against those we admire.

We strive and work harder and come up empty. Even after achieving what we thought would satisfy, even that leaves a hollow in our souls. Accolades ricochet off cynical, disappointed hearts. Temporary attention and affection barely skim the surface of our deep longing to be fully known.

None of it’s new. But sometimes it feels worse. I toss and turn at night over words people have said, future possibilities that if true, would turn my life into a nightmare.

Possibilities like failure. And humiliation. Shame. Isolation. Oppressive Anxiety. Cold, consuming fear.The images are almost suffocating. The snapshots penetrate my heart because there’s a part that’s true that I don’t want to admit, but can’t keep from the surface any longer. It all ushers in unwanted.

“For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing..” (Romans 7:19)

One of the Enemy’s greatest weapons are lies. Assumptions based on our experiences of all that’s happened to us. All we’ve done. We just believe one convincing lie and he has us where he wants us.

Today, I’m reminded of truth. A really good friend reminded me of this, waking me up like an extra espresso shot to the reality I’m now in because of Christ.

His truth resurfaces again and I remember that I’m seeking after the wrong things. Jesus Christ, foundational to my purpose seeking desperation, is the one who defines me. Who gives me identity and purpose. Peace and hope. He is still working and moving in my life even when I sleep or forget or feel like the barrage and weight of regret and responsibility and pain feel like a deadweight.

Isn’t it incredible that the God who created mankind and the whole universe pursues us with his mercy and grace EVEN NOW in this broken mosaic of our world, despite the deep sinfulness of our hearts?

I love that the Jesus who was nailed to that awful cross at Calvary over 2,000 years ago, knew my name and knew exactly what you and I were struggling with, fighting through, and died for all of these broken moments, to make us whole.

I wonder at the pain he went through. How I forget about it in my everyday moments. How I keep seeking all of these other things and strive for them and come up empty. How I get so consumed by fear and by sin when He already paid it all.

Jesus was perfect. He never sinned and He was fully God and fully man. He knew your name before you were born. He has a plan for your life and calls You by name. Isn’t that awesome? I just never want that to get old. I never want the truths that I learned about my Savior to ever become something that I just assume and move on from, like another movie or another meal or another new friend to meet and get to know.

But then we move on.

I never want that to happen with my relationship with Jesus. And I hope that it never happens to you either. I hope that in all of your striving and anxiety you can remember that He truly does desperately love you. Seeking Him first each day and drawing near to Him as He draws near to us is so crucial to our lives because in seeking Him and following Him, all that striving dissipates. He truly has saved us from this present evil age, including all the chaos and ache and brokenness in my life and yours.

Just knowing that Jesus is alive and defeated my sin and the grave is such an incredible hope that I can hardly wrap my mind around. I hope you know how loved you are today and that you truly don’t need to strive to be accepted or to achieve all your dreams. Let go and let Him move in your life.

God promised to never disappoint us and He won’t start now.

Romans 7:24-25

“Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.”

 

 

 

My God Who Provides

Bless the Lord Oh my soul. Let all that is within me bless His holy name. (Psalm 103:1)

There’s something about praise that settles my soul. Especially at the moment when you realize that the edge of the desert is in sight. That you actually see a waterfall. That what you waited for all your life might not be right in front of you. But it might be a fraction of the puzzle piece. And it’s something. And you can’t help but feel some sort of joy spread through your heart.

Something happened yesterday that nearly blew my mind and at this moment I’m reminded of God’s faithfulness. Of His mercy. Of His goodness and powerful nature. Of how awesome He truly is.

Not only has He heard my cry, but He answered me with His provision.
He is so awesome like that.

Today, I want to remind my heart to never forget the lessons I learned in the desert. I want to remind you too that when we’re in deserts, God shapes us in ways that sometimes seem so painful, but they’re painful just because He’s chipping away at anything that’s left of our old selves. He wants to make us NEW.  In the midst of these deserts, we throw ourselves completely on God’s mercy and faithfulness. Because we can’t provide for ourselves. Because we can’t see the outcomes. And the ones we form in our head crush our spirits.

Please know, having faith in Him in your trial is worth it. It doesn’t matter how painful or uncertain. HE IS WORKING AND MOVING IN YOUR LIFE.

It sounds a little silly to say this, but my life is literally proof of this.

I thought that I was honestly not worth it to anyone to get a full time job and yet the Lord opened doors I could never have opened myself this past week to provide one.

I feel baffled and overwhelmed and grateful and uncertain and slightly scared all at once.

When you face a desert, I hope you know He is working on providing for you. He is working on making you into a person who trusts Him. A person who is fully dependent on Him and who finds their greatest treasure in Him and not in anything else. Not even the gifts He gives.

Never lose faith in deserts. Never doubt Him.

He is the God who does impossible things. He is mighty. He is awesome. There is honestly no God like the Lord.

He provided for so many people throughout the ages who desperately needed Him. And He will provide for you. Believe it in the dark when there are no answers and everything points to the “fact” that it won’t ever work out.

God’s wisdom is mind blowing. I’m convinced we won’t ever be able to grasp a fraction of it while we’re here on earth, but please hear me out on this.

If you’re wading through a desperate season right now, please have HOPE. Cling to it. Declare the Lord’s promises over your life. You are loved. You are called by God if you are in Christ. You are God’s child. His workmanship. He has called you to walk in light. To have an inheritance. He has lavished a love on you that you can’t even begin to grasp in this life.

The abundance of His love spills and pours out over every broken area. And nothing can separate you from His love. Not this trial. Not your enemies. Or your critics. Or a tough job and a difficult boss or cruel and rude people that invade your peace and strip away your confidence and self-esteem. Because the whole point is to lose your self anyway. To find it in Him. To find all the joy you ever searched for in the arms of the God who created you and designed this world and the Universe and the God who thought up atoms and photosynthesis and asteroids and planets and tigers and chameleons is the God who is working on your behalf.

He is for you. He fights for you and strengthens you in the fight.
This desert won’t last forever. He will bring you out.

Have hope. Take heart. Oh it’s so worth it to wait on the Lord.

 

 

 

Expectant

A girl holds her breath.

Waiting for the interview results. Test results. Waiting to hear back from a phone call. Anticipation climbs. Clenching her fists, she pushes through another day. Doubts slide in at the places she wasn’t ready to shield.

She curls into herself. Praying. Despair slicing her heart. Memories of failed hopes taunt. Like nightmares. She clings to the past. She knows it all by heart. On replay – what hopelessness feels like. How it’s a rock on a mountain she clutched only to give way, propelling her in a free fall.

Is she bruised now? Doesn’t she want to give up? Hope is only easy to throw off when it’s not sourced in something or Someone unshakeable. A solid foundation in the cascade of unmet expectation. Failure. Disappointment. Doubt.

I’m convinced that hope is something that our hearts were made for, because it fills us. We’re all empty and lifeless, and maybe so torn down from the fall out of disappointment. But we all still reach, don’t we?

Lowering our expectations won’t satisfy us faster. Maybe it’ll satiate some temporary ache, but when we rush into something, casting aside our hope for the “better” God wants us to wait for, aren’t we de-valuing ourselves? Aren’t we plugging our ears and deliberately blinding ourselves to how God made us?

As men and women with needs and wants and desires. People who desperately crave hope.

Today, I want to remind myself and you that the journey to glory is through suffering. But in pain and suffering that “We have this hope as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul” (Heb. 6:19), based on Jesus’ propitiation and God’s unchanging character that we have the hope of intercession and redemption: the hope of life.

Let’s raise, not lower our expectations this year. Of what God can do in you and I. What He is doing regardless of what we do. How awesome to be a part of that?

He calls us to lift up our heads. Not lower our heads to look at our circumstances. He calls us to fullness of joy. Not the emptiness of the world’s love and desire and it’s promises that only carve a larger hole in your heart. The void of love echoes in our world. Will you address it? Will you seek to change it? Will you step up and be brave?

Will you let God work in you as He points you to hope?

Psalm 62:5-6

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence. For my hope is from Him. He only is my rock and salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken.

 

 

Dreams, A Hebrew Slave & God’s Sovereignty

I’ve been reading through Genesis lately.

A story I’ve been familiar with all of my life has stuck with me as I’ve been walking through these uncertain days. Of all this waiting. Wading in the uncertainty. Grappling with the questions. And struggling with what to do with the dreams that feel like they’ve been put on hold.

Joseph grew up with twelve older brothers. Being the youngest, Joseph struggled with his identity. His parents favored him, which of course strained his relationship with his brothers. As it would in any other family.

What really gets me about Joseph’s story is the dreams. And his unique ability to interpret them. I find it astonishing initially to read about how he interprets these obscure scenarios into specific future events. He was basically given a God-given talent, but flaunted it in front of his family to hopefully gain some sense of security.

He was Joseph the dream-interpreter, after all.

We know the story. What he got in return was a torn coat, a complete loss of freedom, and eventually two years in prison.

The whole time, the Lord worked in and through Joseph’s life in ways unimaginable to him surely before he was forced into a foreign land, living among a pagan people in a culture so different from his own.

Could this even be a place Joseph could use his talent? Had the Lord forgotten him completely? How could being a slave be a part of God’s plan for his life? Especially after all he thought God had been trying to tell him through his dreams?

I wonder if Joseph wrestled with doubt each night. If he cried himself to sleep over the loneliness and abandonment that he felt. I wonder if the hatred ate at him, if the bitterness was too much to bear if he felt like he couldn’t sink lower than that pit his brothers had thrown him into. And yet after Potiphar’s wife falsely accused him of sleeping with her, he faces another two years of a prison sentence wondering if God had forgotten him completely. If he would waste away and die there.

And then God provided him another opportunity. He led a few men to ask him to interpret their dreams. He eventually paved the way for Joseph to interpret Pharoah’s dream. And of course Joseph becomes his right hand man.

Joseph suffered in Egypt. He waited for years without answers. And the opportunities opened when God wanted them to open and when they happened Joseph gave all the glory to God.

I want to be faithful like Joseph. Through false accusations and jail sentences and seasons that just feel so dry and empty and lonely. I want to be a reflection of God to those around me. That not even a pagan culture could deny. I love that the Bible specifically states that people could tell that the Lord was with Joseph.

That is the most beautiful part of Joseph’s story. How God changed Joseph from a haughty, insecure young man to a humble, secure man confident in the Lord’s interpretation and the Lord’s Sovereignty. His refusal to cultivate doubt in his pain is something so beautiful. Even before we get to the part where he is faced with his brothers. Even before he ever sees his loved ones again, Joseph is changed completely by God, and his wrongs weren’t made right and the pain surely didn’t go away and the loneliness persisted, but God was so faithful in providing for Joseph and changing Joseph into the man and the vessel that he wanted him to become.