Stifled Screams and Wednesdays

City life isn’t glamorous. I’m sure anybody you’d tap on the shoulder walking down 1st St or Independence could tell you that. It’s not hard to figure out why all of these people come here.

Yet, I wonder why people choose to live with the pressure. I mean, what’s forcing all of these people to suffer through crowded streets and metro stations, waiting forever and a day at bus stops dodging beggars and rain, praying for a quick commute?

Work isn’t the only culprit.

Pressure comes from the jostling of the metro, the people you meet through networking, plates stacked in the sink, fruit flies, an overgrown lawn, heavy eyelids from lack of sleep. It adds up like Jenga blocks or straws stacked onto each other.

Now isn’t the time to give up, I remind myself as another person shuffles into the dank smelling metro and slides into a seat beside me. Snide remarks from my “coworkers” at my internship filter through my thoughts. I shove away memories of the past and pull out my Kindle.  I know that I won’t be home for another hour. How do people live without space to breath? Don’t people crave a long steady run, a calf burning, hill climbing bike ride, a steady hike through an enchanted wood?

Unknowns, challenges and weariness pervade my soul, like trudging through thigh high snow drifts that anchor me to frustration. Amidst stifled screams at my inconvenient post-grad life, my hope is in Jesus. Just writing it reminds me why I’m here. It’s a sure path to defeat when I allow frustration and vanity to steal center stage. They were never meant to satisfy my longing soul.

Only Jesus satisfies and renews and leads me through deserts. And He knows, this past year has been the deepest one yet. I’ve almost lost myself in it. I praise Him now for His guidance and grace. I’m so unworthy of His love. Jesus faced messy lives and situations when He walked the earth and I pray that I would love people the way He did. He loved them so much he bled himself out for them. The older I get, the more I see myself clearly, how steeped in selfishness I am.

So even though it’s a Wednesday, and Saturday seems fleeting and never stays long enough for me to completely relax, I hope that this will be a season that I learn to love fully, even if it means coming completely undone.

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