Today the metro was nearly unbearable. When you live in the DC Metro area, well, lets just say things are always unpredictable. I guess I’m getting used to it, but still, when you’re crammed against all of these random strangers you don’t know after a really long day of work where half of what you do partly makes you want to sleep or cry, well, being on the metro just adds to the frustration.
Anyways, lately I’ve been praying a lot about moving on. The past year I’ve been through so much. I worked on a campaign for a few weeks last summer, then in retail for another few weeks, and then I interned for eight months on Capitol Hill. Just recently, about a month ago, I started working at a nonprofit in DC. While it sounds cool, I’m exhausted from the commute each day and honestly there’s really nothing glamorous about living in DC. It might seem awesome on the outside looking in and yes, meeting all of the internationals and suburban transplants is exciting and exhilarating and yet lately I’ve felt so drained from it all.
I wonder if it’s city burnout, sort of like burning out from a high pressure job where you work long hours only with city life, it’s not just the long hours that burn you out – it’s the constant meeting people, getting together with friends, the flood of new faces, the laughter and food and fun that mingles but sometimes wears on me. Is it just summer that’s getting to me or my looming birthday or…I’m not really sure why I feel this way, but I’m learning so much about my character that I never would have learned if I had never moved here.
I’ve learned how spoiled I am. Case in point: paying bills was so stressful to me at first but now I’m getting used to it, except for the fact that I’m still stressed about missing the deadlines, but I never seem to, so that’s good for now. Also, I’ve realized that I have to pay for not just my loans, but EVERYTHING ELSE: food, metro fare, rent, and utilities. Thank Heaven I don’t have to pay for my cell phone or my car insurance yet, but I’m sure that once I’m more settled here and get hired full time, this will happen.
I’ve also learned that I gravitate towards wanting genuine friends over wanting just acquaintances. And it shocks and perturbs me when others don’t reciprocate this. I made a friend a few months ago, where we met up a few times and then all of a sudden we completely stopped acting like friends. I guess that only happens in places like DC where you’re so inundated with new people that the new is replaced by the newer, shinier, prettier..However, this is the very same person I’ve been trying to completely forget that I even was friends with because it was slightly more complicated and confusing. It taught me a lot of eye opening lessons about boys and myself that I never would have known if I wouldn’t have befriended this unnamed individual. And goodbyes – especially emotional ones – are sometimes the healthiest ways to heal. Even if it means accepting that that person might think you’re avoiding them because you’re cruel or awful. But it’s funny how your twenties can teach you so much about yourself. Like how you’re drawn to people sometimes just because they’re interested in you and because if for only a little while you’re interested in them and how much your emotions can get invested in them.