I’m battling with choices today. This is nothing like a Robert Frost, which path should I travel down choice. This is more like a – should I give up or keep going choice.
Except whenever I wrestle with the decision to give up completely, my conscience can’t rest. I know I can’t do that. But I feel like I’ve come to a point in my life where I’ve got to make the choice and that choice is going to define how the rest of my life plays out.
You see, the biggest decision I have to make – besides what job to apply to – is do I decide to give in to worry and fear or don’t I. It’s so simple. And painful. And something I never would have imagined facing a few years ago.
I never thought that life could be this arduous. That the road I traveled in the future would be filled with so much struggle. I never knew that my heart could shatter and that Jesus would come in and heal me. I didn’t know how any of that would play out. I thought that suffering was awful, but now I’m realizing it’s so useful in making me more like Him.
But more importantly now, I’m realizing that each day is a choice. Are you going to choose to love or choose to hate? Am I going to pray for that person that drives me insane and makes me want to scream or am I going to lash out at them? Will I choose to forgive that person who hurt me? Will I choose to show compassion when I want to focus on myself? Will I choose bitterness over grace and forgiveness? Will I walk through trials with others even when they’re too much for me to bear or even listen to? Will I choose to do life with people whose lifestyles and values are antithetical to mine? Will I put myself behind me completely and put my desires, my will, my way to death so that Christ can shine through me?
Will I choose the Lord’s will or will I choose mine?
My hope is that in this season I learn to seek God first over all of the things I desire. My comfort. My will. My way.
I want to seek His kingdom first and to seek Him with all of my heart (Psalm 119:2) In seeking Him, my hope is that He will make these choices clearer and the decision making process not as painful.
I hope this can be your prayer too, that seeking Him first will give us the right motives to choose others over ourselves. And that even in our brokenness when we fight for our own way, we can see that He is greater and that He is good. His faithfulness takes my breath away.
After all of the things I’ve sought and chosen, He is the One I choose and the One I will pursue. Nothing is impossible for Him.