Scenarios play out in my head of what I should be. What I should do with my life. What is the next step, the next goal?
I’m grasping to be satisfied, but all I feel is this rush of fear as it engulfs me. And I wonder, what has led all of us to this?
What are we all seeking and why are we all in such a mad rush to get there?
That’s what I’m thinking as I floor the accelerator, merging into traffic along a main highway in NOVA on my morning commute to work.
Aren’t we all just trying to keep our heads above water? Paddling and swimming and nearly suffocating under the weight of the pressure and responsibility, pain and suffering inherent in this old world? We stress over broken relationships. Financial pressure. Tenuous health, difficult coworkers, and this ever-present desire for more that we just can’t ever fill. We’re overcome with the awful desperate feeling of averageness as we examine our lives up against those we admire.
We strive and work harder and come up empty. Even after achieving what we thought would satisfy, even that leaves a hollow in our souls. Accolades ricochet off cynical, disappointed hearts. Temporary attention and affection barely skim the surface of our deep longing to be fully known.
None of it’s new. But sometimes it feels worse. I toss and turn at night over words people have said, future possibilities that if true, would turn my life into a nightmare.
Possibilities like failure. And humiliation. Shame. Isolation. Oppressive Anxiety. Cold, consuming fear.The images are almost suffocating. The snapshots penetrate my heart because there’s a part that’s true that I don’t want to admit, but can’t keep from the surface any longer. It all ushers in unwanted.
“For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing..” (Romans 7:19)
One of the Enemy’s greatest weapons are lies. Assumptions based on our experiences of all that’s happened to us. All we’ve done. We just believe one convincing lie and he has us where he wants us.
Today, I’m reminded of truth. A really good friend reminded me of this, waking me up like an extra espresso shot to the reality I’m now in because of Christ.
His truth resurfaces again and I remember that I’m seeking after the wrong things. Jesus Christ, foundational to my purpose seeking desperation, is the one who defines me. Who gives me identity and purpose. Peace and hope. He is still working and moving in my life even when I sleep or forget or feel like the barrage and weight of regret and responsibility and pain feel like a deadweight.
Isn’t it incredible that the God who created mankind and the whole universe pursues us with his mercy and grace EVEN NOW in this broken mosaic of our world, despite the deep sinfulness of our hearts?
I love that the Jesus who was nailed to that awful cross at Calvary over 2,000 years ago, knew my name and knew exactly what you and I were struggling with, fighting through, and died for all of these broken moments, to make us whole.
I wonder at the pain he went through. How I forget about it in my everyday moments. How I keep seeking all of these other things and strive for them and come up empty. How I get so consumed by fear and by sin when He already paid it all.
Jesus was perfect. He never sinned and He was fully God and fully man. He knew your name before you were born. He has a plan for your life and calls You by name. Isn’t that awesome? I just never want that to get old. I never want the truths that I learned about my Savior to ever become something that I just assume and move on from, like another movie or another meal or another new friend to meet and get to know.
But then we move on.
I never want that to happen with my relationship with Jesus. And I hope that it never happens to you either. I hope that in all of your striving and anxiety you can remember that He truly does desperately love you. Seeking Him first each day and drawing near to Him as He draws near to us is so crucial to our lives because in seeking Him and following Him, all that striving dissipates. He truly has saved us from this present evil age, including all the chaos and ache and brokenness in my life and yours.
Just knowing that Jesus is alive and defeated my sin and the grave is such an incredible hope that I can hardly wrap my mind around. I hope you know how loved you are today and that you truly don’t need to strive to be accepted or to achieve all your dreams. Let go and let Him move in your life.
God promised to never disappoint us and He won’t start now.
“Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.”